My Creative Expression of Anger in Public
Reflecting
on Osho’s teachings about not expressing anger in public, I see what my problem
is now. I used to have a professional
job that demanded privacy, because of this I was not on the Internet. I was not involved in social media. I expressed my creativities in private
through Martial Arts. But then I started
to find interest in writing poetic rhymes as a hobby. It was another way of expressing myself
creatively. I would write the poetry and
then I would read the poetry over a voice recorder. I was very much into the hip-hop expression
of 2pac and other rap artists. And as
you know, the creative expression of 2pac is filled with a lot of anger; much
of the hip-hop expression is filled with creative anger.
My
creative raps started to go public when I went onto the social media YT site
and uploaded my poetry anonymously. My
identity was not revealed, not my image, not my name, just my voice. I started to receive some appreciation for my
work. I expressed anger, but not all of
it was anger, maybe 25% of my work was with anger, the rest was a very creative
way of expressing wisdom and others were expressing feelings of romance,
happiness, or sadness. The creative
expression, even though it went public anonymously, it never hurt my
profession.
My
justification for creatively expressing anger has always been that it can be
viewed as an artistic release, that it can be viewed as something beautiful
that is appreciated, like the work of 2pac or Bruce Lee on film. But now that I reflect on the teachings of
Osho, I see that what ends up happening when you express this anger publicly,
even if it is in the form of creativity in music or poetry, it is an anger expression
that ends up building up anger to the people who are exposed to this work. The anger ends up getting spread to
others.
My
further justification was, people have the freedom to click or not click, if
they do not want to be exposed to this type of expression, they don’t have to
watch it, they can click on other videos, this type of expression is not for
everyone. This was a just way of seeing
it, but there is clearly a difference when you express this anger anonymously
opposed to directly.
My
next justification was that, those who are attracted to my angry expression can
then be indirectly exposed to my soft and gentle expression that has much
wisdom. My way of seeing it was, that
you feed them with junk food for the mind of which they are already addicted to
and then slowly you starting feeding them healthy food for the mind in which to
make them healthier than when they started.
But the problem with this, is that it can turn the opposite, the
mentally healthy person can be attracted to your work of wisdom but then end up
being exposed to your junk food for the mind and it ends up corrupting his
health. So you might help 2 people and
then hurt 2 people, you end up breaking even, it ends up resulting in the same
result of silence, neither do you help nor do you damage.
The
major change occurred is when my teachings went public with FMK via social
media. In 2009, I started to go public
with my teachings on social media. No
longer was I anonymous, my face was shown and my name identified, but at this
time it was a philosophical expression and a physical expression, I dropped my
poetic expression of rhyming poetry. My
creativity was fulfilled with my philosophical expression and physical
expression. My expression was very
peaceful, there was no anger being expressed, I was not an angry person.
But
as the years went by I started to experiment with my expression. I wondered what type of response I would
receive if I expressed anger in public.
Not just random anger but anger directed towards education. I was experimenting with a way of expressing
anger like yelling at a child for doing wrong, to shock the child into
consciousness. Like a child who does not
look both ways before crossing the street and then you yell at the child to
shock him into realization that he should never do that ever again.
I
ended up posting a video directly criticizing cage fighting with this
anger. The video ended up receiving an
enormous amount of views compared to any other videos I have posted. That’s when the vicious cycle began. I realized at that point that I have been
expressing myself peacefully for over 2 years publicly but not that many people
were tuning in, but just one expression of anger, now my audience has exploded
compared to the past.
My
objective at the time was to use this anger energy to my advantage to educate
the public. I planned to draw the public
in with my anger in order to expose them to my real teachings of peace, love,
and compassion. But what I did not
realize until now after reflecting on Osho’s teachings, is that, that way of
viewing it is ok if you do it anonymously, but doing it publicly, with my face
and name being exposed to the public, changed the entire dynamics. Now it goes back to the same dilemma that I
expressed before. You hurt two people
and you help two people, you end up breaking even, you are better off staying
silent.
The
people who were drawn into my angry expression could be lead towards my healthy
expression and they could benefit. But
the problem is that the already healthy people who are drawn towards my healthy
expression end up being exposed to my angry expression and they can become
mentally sick.
I
noticed that the public was very much attracted towards anger and
violence. So more and more of my
expression was being expressed with anger.
I started to share poetry with anger and I would create more videos
expressing anger to shock my audience into consciousness. As I was receiving more attention, I was
accumulating more profits from this expression of anger. I was given no incentives to quit. But in the same token, the students of whom I
were teaching directly were suffering from this negative publicity, I was losing
students and losing income from my physical school. My online audience was growing, but my
physical school was being negatively affected.
I was making money from being angry but I was also losing money from
being angry. Once again I was breaking even.
I
was creating a vast following of enemies mixed in with supporters. The enemies could not understand the direction
of my teachings. The anger I expressed
brought out the worst in them and there was no turning back. Anytime they saw my image or name, they end
up going into attack mode. The vicious
cycle of anger against anger ended up being the result. I ended up creating an online war with my
repetitive expression of anger which resulted in nothing but destruction of
everything that I worked so hard to build through social media.
My
whole YT expression came crashing down and I was forced into silence. In a way that is a good thing. People talk so much about freedom of speech,
but meditation is silence. No
speech. No speech is stronger than
speech. Meditation is the true way,
silence is the true way. Silence is what
I needed. Solitude is what I
needed. I spent 4 years of my life
speaking and creating videos obsessively.
I needed to be stopped, I needed to just sit still, do nothing, and say
nothing. I needed to be silent. Through that silence I came back to the
center of my being. I was too caught up
on the people and society around me, I lost my center.
During
those 4 years, I spent very little time if any, reading books by Osho. When I was forced into silence, I began to
read Osho books again. The Osho books
calmed my spirit down, reminded me of the importance of meditation in my life,
and provided me with the necessary guidance on how to move forward from these
past experiences. It is quite apparent
that nearly everybody around me is corrupted or misguided. I can only guide myself and if I need any
assistance, Osho is the only person that provides me with greater clarity about
my situation. The world is filled with
many sophisticated egos, they are not truly awakened, they are not truly
enlightened, their guidance is not really guidance, it is a severe
misguidance. I see that you can only
guide yourself towards the Way in this life, the assistance of Osho or other
past sages are still pointing you back to yourself, to lead yourself towards
the Way.
Now
I clearly see why my anger should not be expressed publicly. Even if it is done creatively, it is still
anger that ends up affecting those around you, it ends up creating more anger
and hostility. It is like sharing a
virus, it is best to cure the virus and not have a virus at all, to get rid of
it completely. Now my online expression
on YT is terminated forever. But my
online presence is still here. My online
school has gotten smaller, more efficient, more direct. Rather than having 100 chairs with 70 of the
chairs being occupied by people who are not open to learn. Now there are only 30 chairs, all being
occupied by people who are truly there to learn. The place has been downsized from 10,000
square feet to 1,000 square feet. With
this downsize, my attention can focus on the people who are really here to
learn.
I
feel so much more at peace with my expression online, at my physical school,
and with my home life. The peace comes
for solitude. It comes from surrounding
myself with the right people in my life.
It comes from making decisions from my center. It comes from my meditation. It comes from reading books from Osho. It comes from my reflective writings. This peace is where I started and coming back
to this peace after all the drama is a nice place to be.
