My Creative Expression of Anger in Public
Reflecting on Osho’s teachings about not expressing anger in public, I see what my problem is now. I used to have a professional job that demanded privacy, because of this I was not on the Internet. I was not involved in social media. I expressed my creativities in private through Martial Arts. But then I started to find interest in writing poetic rhymes as a hobby. It was another way of expressing myself creatively. I would write the poetry and then I would read the poetry over a voice recorder. I was very much into the hip-hop expression of 2pac and other rap artists. And as you know, the creative expression of 2pac is filled with a lot of anger; much of the hip-hop expression is filled with creative anger.
My creative raps started to go public when I went onto the social media YT site and uploaded my poetry anonymously. My identity was not revealed, not my image, not my name, just my voice. I started to receive some appreciation for my work. I expressed anger, but not all of it was anger, maybe 25% of my work was with anger, the rest was a very creative way of expressing wisdom and others were expressing feelings of romance, happiness, or sadness. The creative expression, even though it went public anonymously, it never hurt my profession.
My justification for creatively expressing anger has always been that it can be viewed as an artistic release, that it can be viewed as something beautiful that is appreciated, like the work of 2pac or Bruce Lee on film. But now that I reflect on the teachings of Osho, I see that what ends up happening when you express this anger publicly, even if it is in the form of creativity in music or poetry, it is an anger expression that ends up building up anger to the people who are exposed to this work. The anger ends up getting spread to others.
My further justification was, people have the freedom to click or not click, if they do not want to be exposed to this type of expression, they don’t have to watch it, they can click on other videos, this type of expression is not for everyone. This was a just way of seeing it, but there is clearly a difference when you express this anger anonymously opposed to directly.
My next justification was that, those who are attracted to my angry expression can then be indirectly exposed to my soft and gentle expression that has much wisdom. My way of seeing it was, that you feed them with junk food for the mind of which they are already addicted to and then slowly you starting feeding them healthy food for the mind in which to make them healthier than when they started. But the problem with this, is that it can turn the opposite, the mentally healthy person can be attracted to your work of wisdom but then end up being exposed to your junk food for the mind and it ends up corrupting his health. So you might help 2 people and then hurt 2 people, you end up breaking even, it ends up resulting in the same result of silence, neither do you help nor do you damage.
The major change occurred is when my teachings went public with FMK via social media. In 2009, I started to go public with my teachings on social media. No longer was I anonymous, my face was shown and my name identified, but at this time it was a philosophical expression and a physical expression, I dropped my poetic expression of rhyming poetry. My creativity was fulfilled with my philosophical expression and physical expression. My expression was very peaceful, there was no anger being expressed, I was not an angry person.
But as the years went by I started to experiment with my expression. I wondered what type of response I would receive if I expressed anger in public. Not just random anger but anger directed towards education. I was experimenting with a way of expressing anger like yelling at a child for doing wrong, to shock the child into consciousness. Like a child who does not look both ways before crossing the street and then you yell at the child to shock him into realization that he should never do that ever again.
I ended up posting a video directly criticizing cage fighting with this anger. The video ended up receiving an enormous amount of views compared to any other videos I have posted. That’s when the vicious cycle began. I realized at that point that I have been expressing myself peacefully for over 2 years publicly but not that many people were tuning in, but just one expression of anger, now my audience has exploded compared to the past.
My objective at the time was to use this anger energy to my advantage to educate the public. I planned to draw the public in with my anger in order to expose them to my real teachings of peace, love, and compassion. But what I did not realize until now after reflecting on Osho’s teachings, is that, that way of viewing it is ok if you do it anonymously, but doing it publicly, with my face and name being exposed to the public, changed the entire dynamics. Now it goes back to the same dilemma that I expressed before. You hurt two people and you help two people, you end up breaking even, you are better off staying silent.
The people who were drawn into my angry expression could be lead towards my healthy expression and they could benefit. But the problem is that the already healthy people who are drawn towards my healthy expression end up being exposed to my angry expression and they can become mentally sick.
I noticed that the public was very much attracted towards anger and violence. So more and more of my expression was being expressed with anger. I started to share poetry with anger and I would create more videos expressing anger to shock my audience into consciousness. As I was receiving more attention, I was accumulating more profits from this expression of anger. I was given no incentives to quit. But in the same token, the students of whom I were teaching directly were suffering from this negative publicity, I was losing students and losing income from my physical school. My online audience was growing, but my physical school was being negatively affected. I was making money from being angry but I was also losing money from being angry. Once again I was breaking even.
I was creating a vast following of enemies mixed in with supporters. The enemies could not understand the direction of my teachings. The anger I expressed brought out the worst in them and there was no turning back. Anytime they saw my image or name, they end up going into attack mode. The vicious cycle of anger against anger ended up being the result. I ended up creating an online war with my repetitive expression of anger which resulted in nothing but destruction of everything that I worked so hard to build through social media.
My whole YT expression came crashing down and I was forced into silence. In a way that is a good thing. People talk so much about freedom of speech, but meditation is silence. No speech. No speech is stronger than speech. Meditation is the true way, silence is the true way. Silence is what I needed. Solitude is what I needed. I spent 4 years of my life speaking and creating videos obsessively. I needed to be stopped, I needed to just sit still, do nothing, and say nothing. I needed to be silent. Through that silence I came back to the center of my being. I was too caught up on the people and society around me, I lost my center.
During those 4 years, I spent very little time if any, reading books by Osho. When I was forced into silence, I began to read Osho books again. The Osho books calmed my spirit down, reminded me of the importance of meditation in my life, and provided me with the necessary guidance on how to move forward from these past experiences. It is quite apparent that nearly everybody around me is corrupted or misguided. I can only guide myself and if I need any assistance, Osho is the only person that provides me with greater clarity about my situation. The world is filled with many sophisticated egos, they are not truly awakened, they are not truly enlightened, their guidance is not really guidance, it is a severe misguidance. I see that you can only guide yourself towards the Way in this life, the assistance of Osho or other past sages are still pointing you back to yourself, to lead yourself towards the Way.
Now I clearly see why my anger should not be expressed publicly. Even if it is done creatively, it is still anger that ends up affecting those around you, it ends up creating more anger and hostility. It is like sharing a virus, it is best to cure the virus and not have a virus at all, to get rid of it completely. Now my online expression on YT is terminated forever. But my online presence is still here. My online school has gotten smaller, more efficient, more direct. Rather than having 100 chairs with 70 of the chairs being occupied by people who are not open to learn. Now there are only 30 chairs, all being occupied by people who are truly there to learn. The place has been downsized from 10,000 square feet to 1,000 square feet. With this downsize, my attention can focus on the people who are really here to learn.
I feel so much more at peace with my expression online, at my physical school, and with my home life. The peace comes for solitude. It comes from surrounding myself with the right people in my life. It comes from making decisions from my center. It comes from my meditation. It comes from reading books from Osho. It comes from my reflective writings. This peace is where I started and coming back to this peace after all the drama is a nice place to be.