As you know my wife and I both had our own issues in our marriage. During this time Jenny and yourself stood as a great example of being able to overcome difficulty in marriage. We do love each other and because of that love we are able to understand that what we both did was wrong. Marriage is not a 1 sided story, it takes 2 to write that story out and it takes a family to make the story into a lesson for others.
After reading your last few posts the negative in your words is really out shining the positive. It is easy to tell you are feeling pain and frustration, and as I have recently been in that same place I can understand why. I cannot disagree more with you about marriage being fucked up. I honestly believe that in marriage you have safety and security for not only yourself but your family. You cannot place your needs whether they are spiritual, physical, or emotional over the needs of your family. This goes for both partners. If you have children in your family being stable and showing love to them and your spouse teaches them. Being understanding of your spouse’s imperfections while being patient and willing to accept and understand that sometimes it takes them a little longer to get over or through things that we might not completely understand. Learning to love someone unconditionally gives us the chance to become enlightened and even though sometimes you have to go through hell to get to a better place it is all worth it in the end. Marriage itself can be a huge problem for people that get into it not understanding what it is truly about, people rush into marriage without understanding the commitment it takes to make it work. Both husband and wife have to make sacrifices and that is why we make vows during the ceremony. To love and cherish, sickness and in health (both physical and mental) rich or poor. You cannot judge another while not clearly seeing your own flaws. “Let he without sin cast the first stone.” I cannot rightly judge my wife’s actions without judging my own on the same scale, and I know she cannot judge mine without taking her own deeds into account.
I know my wife is home with my 2 kids while I am at work constantly. For a long time I did not understand and felt that she was just complaining just to complain. Every day I came home to how tired she was and how much she wanted a break. I was wore out from working constantly and felt that what I did was so much harder because I was out physically working 8-12 hours a day 5-6 days a week. In reality I was wrong, simple as that. After having some time off this summer and changing roles while my wife works constantly and I am watching the kids I can’t wait to get back to work. I need a vacation from my vacation. I have a new understanding of what my wife goes through and why she feels the way she feels. Chasing after 2 kids all day is hard enough I cannot imagine having 5. I think that the time came for me to man up and finally learn to put my families needs before my own. If I give my wife a reason to be angry even if I do not understand why the fact, is she is still angry and I have to deal with it. Sometimes we have to learn that we do things that cause unintentional consequences, whether we meant to do them or not we still have to deal with what comes, and be willing to take responsibility for our actions rather than putting the blame on others.
In one of your posts you bring up having more then 1 wife forces the other wives to behave, I know people from the middle east that grew up in this situation and I can say that they have the same problems as we do. 1 of the wives is always going to be jealous of the others. A friend of mines mother actually caused another wife to be stoned because she felt that she was being neglected. When you choose to use words such as force it implies against their will as well, Respect for women in general is something that we seem to have lost to a major degree in our culture.
Throughout time wives have always been there to take care of the home while the husband was out working or off in a war. They are the glue that holds the family together. When you start looking at your marriage as a contract you have already lost the true meaning of marriage. It is not about a legal document, it is about a promise that you will be there to protect and take care of your family. When you say that adult industry workers are basically having many husbands, I have to call you out on that one. I know many of them from when I working at a “gentlemen’s club”, and not 1 of them would ever agree with that statement. They typically cannot even do their job sober, and in the end it gets to all of them. I do not know a single one that does it because they enjoy it unless they have serious mental illness. (being abused can cause this so I am not saying it in such a way to degrade anyone.)
In the end it all comes down to who we are and how enlightened we are actually are. All of our opinions will differ on the matter, enlightenment for 1 is not the same as it is for another. If we let our own pride and arrogance rule our lives we end up being the thing we despise most. The root of the problem, and the cause of our own issues. If we blame others for reacting to use in a way we do not like but choose to not change the way we behave then who is really at fault.
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. Buddha
If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue. Dalai Lama